See heaven's got a plan for you

Hey people! Today was a much more beautiful day than yesterday. Instead of crying my heart out, I visited a friend I haven't seen in forever. It was nice to finally talk again, spend time together, hug each other. We thought of the good old times, the places we'd been, the people we'd once loved. It was regenerating for my heart and soul. I thought about my former best friend a lot today in the morning. I am not really waiting for her to contact me, but I know that a last conversation will be inevitable. I am looking for words that can't make her turn me into the one that ended our friendship. I am looking for words that won't hurt her, make her angry or make her cry. I am looking for words that explain what can't be explained. I wondered if I'm going to miss her. I'm sure I will. We have the same friends, the same hobbies, the same interests. It's gonna be extremely hard to work it all out. But I'm feeling really mature these days - I'm not gonna be mean to her, I'll still talk to her, work with her. After all, we've been a perfect team once. But I acknowledged that it really is over. I am tired of fighting. When I listened to Nickelback's 'Photograph' I thought of all the times I was begging on my knees for her to take me back and to forgive me. And I couldn't find a single memory of her doing the same. Which is another reason the final goodbye is coming. Enough of her. I am really in love with my male best friend these days. When my former girl best friend (who is also one of his closest friends) texted me yesterday and I started to cry, he immediately crossed the room, hugged me and comforted me. It was amazing. We went upstairs and sat onto his bed and talked and talked and talked. He distracted me and gave me chocolate. It was wonderful. He's great. Today we made plans for the weekend and I'm already looking forward. It's nice to recognize that I have a perfectly working social life seperate from my former best friend. So, today was quite a good day. I even cleaned up my room. The subtle sadness remains anyway. But time will heal, I know that. I'll be concentrating on doing my license, getting the finals for this year done, celebrate my birthday and enjoy summer. There won't be an empty hole to fill. I'll even start choir on monday. Life is great, it really is. I hope all of you out there having trouble with their best friends too are being okay. I'm here for you! Listen to the song 'astronaut' by Simple Plan, you'll feel understood. Stay tuned for news!

10.5.13 22:32, kommentieren

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Why it is better to say goodbye sometimes

Hey guys, I started this blog because I want to let the world know how I feel. I know that probably next to no one cares, but hey I don't care either. 17 years are long. 17 years full of memories, joy, tragic, tears, smiles, hugs, fights, pictures, betrayal, pain. 17 years are my life. For 17 years my best friend has been with me. A best friend is someone you can count on. A best friend would run all across the world to help you. A best friend comforts you without a single word. But what if suddenly the best friend felt so far away? What if two out of five meetings ended in fights? What if suddenly the bad memories were bigger than the good ones? I guess that's the time to finally say goodbye. You should always leave a party at its peak. Don't save the best for last because you might be fed up already. Maybe you're worn before you realize it. I am saying goodbye today because I am tired of fighting. Call me a weakling, call me heartless. But if you had to be the one always apologizing, always feeling bad, always being the looser, the one that made the mistake, how long could you stand it? For how long can you try to love someone that loves nothing but herself? For how long can you try to ignore the obvious? I'm sorry, honey, I really am. But this is not what I deserve. You can't share my joy. You're not interested in my life anymore. You're not even honest anymore. You don't care about my pain. Today was just the last straw that breaks the camel's back. You were searching for a trigger to pull. If I had the chance, I'd ask you what's so wrong. Why you are so angry. I can't believe I don't even know who was sitting in front of me yesterday anymore. I can't believe you give up on us so easily. I'm sorry. It breaks my heart that I just can't mourn for the future. I'm sad for what I've made out of the past. If you could only feel what I felt today. It makes me sad that I wasn't sad about the future at all. It hurts that it is so easy to cross you out of my life. I'm quite sure I will never love somebody the way I loved you. But I'm just as sure that I won't ever let myself be treated like this again. I hope you find what you are looking for. I hope that one day we might find a way again. I hope that we'll be friends again someday. Sadly, this feels permanent. I don't feel like forgiving and going back to being the blamed one, the one that always has to run after you to make it okay again. I'm tired of you running away from all your problems. I'm really tired of fighting. And you know what? I once said I loved you more than anything else. Now I realize that I was wrong. No history, no bond can be stronger than my dignity, my value, my self. I can't love anything more than my peace of mind. I can't let myself suffer because I want to believe in something that does not exist anymore. I am really sorry. I'm sorry that you can't say that you're sorry. I'm sorry if you're going to be alone after this ending. But I'm also sorry for all the wasted time and tears. This really isn't what I deserve anymore. I'm sorry, but we're not compatible anymore. You don't belong with me, I don't belong with you. This is it. We walked a long way together, but this is where our ways part. It's over. I don't know if there'll be another touching point. Right now, I don't want to walk beside you again. I don't want to see you, I don't want to talk to you. I deserve a friend that can share my joy. A friend that is able to put herself last to make me feel better when I'm sad. A friend that believes in the same things that I do. A friend that loves the same things that I do. A friend that isn't mad at me for every fucking little thing. A friend that is able to apologize. A friend that is able to let her guard down and recognize and acknowledge mistakes. This person is something you can't be. You don't even want to. And that's really sad. I hope you find a bright future. I loved you once and I don't want you to get hurt. But here and now, this is goodbye.

10.5.13 00:12, kommentieren